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I Wish I Knew, Potty
I Wish I Knew, Potty Tuesday
09Sep
Waste Management
Tuesday, September 9, 2008 at 10:58AM 
Parenting presents dozens of unexpected scenarios. One of the most dominant is waste management. Before we become parents we hear all stories: the exploding poop out of the diaper, the getting pee’d on the second the diaper comes off, regular-old meat and potatoes bedwetting, and all the other usual suspects. But the one thing you don’t know before you become a parent is the astounding level that waste management envelops your life.
New parents have absolutely no idea how much time and energy they will put into: discussing, planning for, reacting to, evading from, rewarding for, examining, spending money on, training on, and disposing of urine and excrement.
Next to keeping children, alive, clothed and fed, and sufficiently rested, waste management is one of the most dominant aspects of early parenthood. In fact, if you run the numbers, it may be THE most dominant aspect of early parenthood.
Today, I witnessed a mom asking a little boy if he needed to “go potty,” as he was grabbing his little pecker like he was trying to seal a leaky valve. I smiled and gave the mom a knowing nod. With daughters, 3 and 5, I’m forced to utter that same query more often than I ask my wife for sex. One of the most critical errors a dad can make is to leave a house, with daughters, forgetting to insist upon mandatory potty runs. As I have made this mistake numerous times in the past, I have finally ingrained the ritual deep enough that it’s on par with my other mandatory departure items: keys, cell phone, money clip, and emergency fruit snacks to use as currency when my parenting skills fail to handle some insanely ridiculous crisis. There is nothing worse, as a dad, to arrive at some destination, or worse yet, to still be on route, and have your daughter utter that inevitable phrase, “Daddy, I have to go potty.” The second those words become audible, a dad’s brain immediately says, “awe shit,” and then begins a Terminator-like scan to search for the least nasty men’s room in a quarter mile radius.
My favorite part of the whole excremental topic is how pervasive the word “potty” becomes in a grown man’s lexicon. Nothing displays one’s unfettered masculinity more than getting up from a poker table at guy’s night out and requesting to be dealt out because you have to “go potty” instead of simply stating in man-speak that you “have to take a piss.” That is inevitably followed by this dead giveaway that you’re a married man with children—even though you’re in your buddies basement and the bathroom with only be used be beer drinking men for the next 5 hours, you still put the seat down after relieving yourself. Oh, so sad. So sad, indeed.
There is a silver lining to this puffy, wet diaper of a cloud. As we men take much pride in our bowel movements, it’s always fascinating when you find a man-like floater careless abandoned in a vacant bathroom. As MRS likes to pretend she doesn’t even poop, she certainly would never commit such a blatant lack of decorum. After scanning the house for potential plumbers or handymen and finding none, I’m then faced with the reality that one of my angelic little princesses created the monstrous turd. This forces me to walk the delicate line that delineates pride and horror, and then comes the detective work to see which one of my girls was responsible for the creation. Usually it’s the more relaxed of the two as her energy was exhausted from the near impossible removal.
In conclusion, this new-aged dad, son of a father that has NEVER changed a diaper, continues to assume the duel role of manly hubby and caring nurturer—at least I try to. The reality is that before I know it, this whole potty discussion will be a thing of the past and I’ll be cowering in my office from three “simultaneously cycling” women. I’ll long for the days of changing dirty diapers and hastily rushing little ladies to the bathroom. And my solace will come from the knowledge that I’ll get my revenge in my old age as my daughters are forced to do the same for me. At least that’s the plan, assuming they don’t abandon me in some third rate, death’s waiting room, nursing home.
Damn, I better be nice to them.
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Reader Comments (13)
Dude. You can't "go potty" at poker night. You really are a woman.
It IS pretty sad how much time we devote to our kids' eliminations.
You put the seat down? I still have trouble with my hubby "forgetting." Interestingly enough, my 4-year-old son has this concept mastered.
An entire post because one of your kids forgot to flush?
What a writing prompt!
Yes we take our dog out to "go potty" not for a walk, not to do his bidness but "too potty". It has indeed taken over our worlds....especially since my daughter has number two issues and won't go for days at a time. We have to keep track of when she poops on a calendar and when she goes I have to make her show me so I can see the volume . Good times I tell you good times!
Wonderful new site. I am subscribed and I'll update my blog roll tonight.
Very best wishes
I changed way more than my share of diapers. My son hated to take the dog for a walk because he might have to clean up the pet waste. I told him never to have a kid then. I counted that as one of my safe sex lectures.
And my dad has never changed a diaper in his live. Oh, to have lived in simpler times.
Enjoyed the read and perspective from another dad blogger! Thank God I have boys. Of course, the fellas have to poop every time we leave the house, which is another topic altogether.
I had to read some of this to my husband. We both got some chuckles. :)
In a few years, your daughters will be too old to take in the men's room with you, and then you'll have to simply hope they can manage by themselves in the women's. Unless of course you want to follow them into the ladies room. I can't see any problem with that.
I hate that expression, but I too use it with my kids. My question is which bathroom you take your girls in when you're out by yourself in public.
I am the mother of two boys, polar opposite of you. I have been feeling like I am nothing more than a shit-removal service for 4 years.
My boys are potty trained and potty training... and yet I still manage to clean up more shit now than I did when they both wore diapers. My 4 year old is finally almost 100% trained. His crutch was saying the he was scared of the toilet (even after many successful poo deposits in it) and he would shit his pants. As recently as a month ago, he shit, outside, where the dog shits, took of his underwear, left them in the yard and put his shorts back on, inside out. At this point, he poops in the potty every day, by himself and I'm SOOOOOO happy.
My almost 3 year old is potty training and pees in the potty all day long, even if he's wearing a pull-up. But he refuses to shit in it. Instead, he shits his pants, daily. WIth or WITHOUT underwear or a pullup on. Have you ever had to clean up shit in a pair of jeans without underwear? It's not fun and it's the worst mess in the world.
Curses to potty training. Diapers were WAY easier.
Mitch,
Oh the trials and tribulations of waste management, I fear the day I have to take it on personally. After reading a ton of green mommy blogs, I really enjoyed the insights and angles your blog has to offer (not to mention the humor). Your attention to the green movement and the environment leads me to believe we may have a common interest/audience. My name is Lauren, I’m an intern with Rev currently working on a social media program involving parenting blogs and I believe this may be of some interest to you and your readers. My group is coordinating a community-outreach effort for the REV Spokesperson Contest. This contest is aimed towards mothers, but I feel that your audience would be interested in knowing about this opportunity. The idea is simple: we’re looking for healthy, active moms who can tell their story, give advice and empower moms who aspire to “do it all” without neglecting themselves.
REV. product features 3 varieties of Epsom Salt (for Moms, for Athletes, and for Families), but rev-life.com is an online community centered on health, going green, and finding the energy to get it all done! For our members, it offers blogging, social networking, and tools, such as calendars and photo-sharing.
We'd love to do a link-exchange, but right now we're in the process of setting up our blog-roll.
In addition to $1,000.00 cash and a 6-month supply of REV., there are quite a few perks and although only 5 moms throughout the U.S. will receive the Spokesperson honor, everyone who enters will be contributing to an online community that has been created to support, inspire and equip them with resources.
Can you reply and let me know if that sparks your interest and if you would be willing to post information or otherwise help us spread the message? We can offer 50, 100, 150 word write-ups if you are willing to tell your community about us.
Check out this link for more information http://www.rev-life.com/
Please let me know if you have any questions.
We look forward to hearing from you!
Sincerely,
Lauren
Rev Outreach
Ah yes, the word "potty" has taken over my vocabulary! Sometimes it even slips into non-potty related sentences, such as, "I need to go get a potty. I mean, a drink," or "I've had a pottiful day!" And like Angel,having a boy who ALWAYS poops in his pants, I also feel like I've turned into a shit-retrieval service. So as much as I sympathize with any parent going through potty-training, dude, at least your girls are pooping in the potty!